


Midnight Musings

by captain_sassy_socks



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Episode: s08e18 Threads, F/M, Mentions of several other characters, Sad with a Happy Ending, musings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-07 10:31:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20974442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captain_sassy_socks/pseuds/captain_sassy_socks
Summary: After Jacob’s death Sam takes her bike out for a ride.





	1. All that was lost

It’s 11 pm on a weeknight that has Sam cruising on her Indian through Colorado Springs.

The last few days have been a whirlwind of emotions. The megalomanic Goa’ulds defeated, the evil replicators destroyed, her relationship in shambles and her father dead. Even the return of Daniel doesn’t provide much relief in her emotional turmoil. 

During the funeral, she has felt like drifting through a haze, shaking hands and receiving condolences, muttering empty words and hoping to wake up from just another terrible dream. She hasn’t been able to grasp it all, her mind simply unable to process the multitude of changes in her life at once. The presence of her team members provided much-needed support, which she is grateful for. More than she could say of her brother.

To clear her mind and regain a sense of inner balance, she has taken out her bike for a ride, intend on aimlessly strolling along the streets, diving headlong through dark ravines and dodging the shadows of imposing tree lines.

The roaring sound and the pulsating vibrations of the engine usually tend to dull her preoccupied mind.

Leaving the urban outskirts behind, Sam welcomes the enveloping darkness and tranquility. 

Without fail, her mind circles around the most recent grief.

DAD

Ever since he had joined the Tok’ra, they grew closer. Developed a relationship between father and daughter, one she had missed most of her life.

He was proud of her accomplishments, her integrity, and her ability to see a hidden possibility when no one else could.

They made a brilliant team working together side by side when the fate of the universe was at stake.

Over time they saw behind the curtain of ‘the General’ and ‘the Doctor’. They respected each other’s choices. And Jacob learned to let go of his overachieving ambitions and lost dreams. Finally, they were able to talk about family, past and present.

Jacob wanted her to be happy as all fathers wish to for their little girls. To know she would be all right once he was gone. To have her in goods hands, although he had learned the hard way she could take care of herself.

He saw right through her.

Sam didn’t understand the meaning behind his parting words at the time. Only now it slowly dawns on her.

She regrets not spending more time with him, always hoping for another moment, another conversation, another chance in the future. Time ran out earlier than anticipated.

A single tear slides down her cheek.

In the privacy behind the visor of her helmet, she allows herself this moment of vulnerability.

\------

Thoughts about time running out and missed opportunities steer her musings to another casualty in the line of duty.

JANET

Her loss still hurts Sam beyond words. She misses her every day. Her smile, her determination, her compassion, and her wisdom.

Janet arrived at the SGC as an unexpected ally, a fierce doctor with a heart of gold. She stood her ground in the interest of her patients.

The events involving Hathor taking control over all the males on base had forced them to work together as a team. They had to trust each other and rely on their individual abilities. 

They had found common ground to start from.

Gradually they had become friends and confidants. Two strong women in the military that had understood and supported each other that had known the burden and involved sacrifices.

With Cassandra entering their lives, the friendship had taken to another level. Sam had been carefree and joyful around Janet and Cassandra. A bonding she had longed for since her mother’s death.

With a heavy heart, Sam realizes that Janet was her only female friend in the military and outside of it. 

She feels pathetic.

To ease the pain, Sam barrels through the landscape way over the speed limit and relishes in the feeling of adrenaline pumping through her veins.

Although Janet was her best friend, Sam had never been allowed to discuss and share everything with her. Some things had to stay buried and kept in a separate room of her heart. 

And still, she doesn’t regret a thing. A friendship like theirs was exceptional, and she will always cherish their memories, their moments together.

\------

Having more or less regained her emotional equilibrium, Sam reduces the speed and lets her mind wander, inevitably drifting to another recent heartbreak.

PETE

Sam is saddened and relieved at the same time that her relationship with him ended.

Saddened because she had really loved him. And he had loved her, probably still does despite being hurt. He made her feel like a desirable woman. A side of her, she can seldom act out. 

She is proud of her achievements as a soldier and as a scientist. Cherishes the gained recognition, the established reputation, and the mutual respect she shares with her team. 

Who else can note down in their resumé that they blew up a sun that one time?

But the price for her success and accomplishments entails that her femininity has to take a back seat. Most of the time, Sam is willing to pay it gladly. But every once in a while, her heart and her body desire more.

Moreover, Pete provided her with a sense of normality, of fitting in. A calm home port in the fiery chaos that constantly consists of saving the earth and dodging the bullet at the last minute, more often than she can count. Around him, she didn’t need to shoulder the burden of being the genius in the room. He didn’t expect her to come up with the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the crazy solution no-one had ever tried before. 

He just wanted her to be the caring woman at his side. His lovely wife.

This whole illusion shattered into a million pieces when he bought the house without consulting her first. 

Until that precise moment, the relationship and even the wedding had been an abstract concept for Sam. Something within reach, something possible but definitely not deep-seated in her nearest future.

She was brought back down to earth, harsh and unpleasant. 

The house, the garden, the dog, the quiet evenings at home, meaningless conversations about neighbors or weather, and Sunday churchgoings had panned out in her mind’s eye. And the mundane aspects scared her. 

That could not be her life, her future, all that was left to look forward to. 

Sam is a problem solver, a keen thinker who gets lost in an equation indefinitely, completely forgetting everything else around her. She is always at her happiest when she stays in her lab with her experiments and alien technology. When she is given a chance to expand her knowledge about physics and the universe in general. Or when she walks among the stars.

So, she dumped Pete and his version of normality; another failed relationship in a long line of failed relationships.

“At least he didn’t die,” a tiny voice whispers inside her head.

Sam snorts, opens the throttle further, and zigzags through the darkness once again. Only the quiet highway bears witness to her musings. 

\------ 

The scenery changes and the suburbs of Colorado Springs welcome her back. She reduces her pace and unconsciously, without any urgency, strolls along the mostly abandoned streets. A few cursed creatures of the night accompany her, but she doesn’t pay them any attention.

When Sam turns left at a traffic light, a sense a familiarity overcomes her and settles in her chest. 

The streets are unrecognizable in the dark, with the odd light shining through occasionally. Urban life lies hidden in the shadows.

But she knows where she will end up eventually. 

JACK

Her shining beacon in the dark. Solid as a rock yet soft as silk.

They have seen each other at their worst and at their best. Survived unimaginable trauma and celebrated victories unbeknownst to most humans. Built dreams together and saw them crumbling. They share memories of joy, sorrow, hope, and regret.

A stronger bond than she has ever experienced.

She stops her bike across the street and hesitates for a moment. 

Should she disturb him at this time of the night? 

A single light gleams through the window from his house. He is apparently still awake. But is he alone? 

She is not keen on meeting Kerry Johnson again. The disaster on the porch several days ago is still fresh in her mind. She tried to pour her innermost thoughts out to him, struggled to find the right words to express what he means to her, what she needs from him. Only to be left behind with the realization that she was too late. Burnt and scarred.

But she needs him. Now more than ever. As a friend, as a confidant. As Jack.

“Always,” he had whispered. A promise so strong and fragile all at once.

A promise she intends to claim.

Courage rises within her. 

Sam dismounts from her bike and takes her helmet off. She breathes deeply, once, twice, to steady her nerves and to lessen the aching in her heart. 

At nearly 1 am in the morning, she makes her way to his front door. 

Slow, but determined.


	2. All that is gained

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her musings have brought her to Jack's doorstep in the middle of the night. 
> 
> Sam gathers all her courage to confront him.
> 
> Will she overcome her fears or falter?

A few feet away from the door, doubt returns. Her steps falter. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, concentrating on the reason that brought her here. Chasing away all the thoughts of ‘what if’ and ‘this is wrong’.

Squaring her shoulders, she bores a hole into the barrier between her and her destination. With restored confidence, she strides upfront and raises her left hand to knock. 

Unexpected, the door swings open, and her determination evaporates instantly before she even has a chance to go through with her more or less thought-out plan.

“Carter?” 

Her name tumbles from his lips, puzzled and curious in equal parts. However, he is only slightly concerned to find her at his doorstep in the middle of the night.

Her hand sinks down, unsure of what to do next.

The silence stretches between them.

All the words she wants to say are stuck in her throat. Instead, her gaze locks onto him, fear and longing written all over her face.

He steps aside in silent invitation.

Still, she doesn’t move. Right now, her emotions are built on quicksand. One wrong step, and she drowns.

Sensing her inner turmoil, he encourages her. “Sam, come inside.”

The gentleness in his voice infuses her with enough courage to spur her into motion. She walks past him and heads straight to the living room. The subtle scent of his aftershave follows her.

After placing her helmet on the coffee table, she sits down on the sofa, hands folded in her lap. She doesn’t look up, mesmerized by a stain on her jacket. Trying to buy time to avoid the conversation she has rehearsed in her mind over and over again. She fears his reaction.

He doesn’t offer her anything to drink, just slides down next to her, and waits.

Silence, once again.

Gathering all her strength, she straightens her back and confides, “I need you.”

The barely audible words pierce through the vast space between them. The unspoken question exerts more pull than the gravitational force of a black hole.

“We can’t.” An automatic response perfected over the years.

At his lightning-fast reply, she fixes him with an incredulous and intimidating stare that would bring any Goa’uld system lord to their knees. 

She is tired of the never-ending cycle of excuses and practical reasoning. They have defeated the most dangerous threats to mankind. If they can’t listen to their hearts now, then all the time waiting for a chance has been wasted.

Anger starts to boil in her blood. She yells in frustration. “I don’t care! All my life, I lived by the rules. And what do I have to show for?” Her arms encompass the room to emphasize her misery. “Nothing!”

He tries to reason with her. “You have accomplished so many great things, Sam. Saved earth several times. Re-written the laws of physics. That counts for something in my book.”

“None of them keep me warm at night.” Bitterness is evident in her harsh voice.

Confusion clouds his face. He still doesn’t fully comprehend what is going on here between them. “You have Pete.”

“He’s gone.”

“Why?” 

Shrugging her shoulders, she clarifies. “In the beginning, I thought I wanted the life he offered me. A chance to be normal like everyone else outside the mountain.” She paused and sighs. “He made me feel like a desirable woman. Something I haven’t felt in a long time.”

Jack’s eyes go wide for a second. He opens his mouth to disagree, but she continues without giving him the chance to interrupt.

“Too late I realized that I always only needed one thing.” She points at him. “That’s you, Jack. In the end, it always comes back to you.”

Unsettled by her confession, he whispers, “I can’t force you to risk your career.”

“You don’t. It’s my decision.” She has made up her mind to fight for them, even if he sounds uncertain and defensive. 

“I don’t want you to settle for an old and tired soldier when someone else out there can make you happy.”

“Again, my decision.” Her stance on her heart’s desire is resolute, unwavering.

Silently asking him to trust her, Sam takes a leap of faith and reaches out to him. She holds the palm of one hand open in the space between them for him to make the final decision. He hesitates for a moment before he accepts her offering and entwines their fingers. 

She observes with delight, how perfectly they fit together. A small smile graces her lips, a similar expression forms on Jack’s face. Between them, sparks of hope fly.

“Hammond’s gonna retire soon. He asked me to take his job.”

“Do you want to?”

“No, but if I don’t take it...”

“… we could end up with someone worse,” she finishes his sentence with a chuckle.

“We’d still be in the same chain of command,” he voices his concern, albeit with less insistence, fascinated by the feeling of her delicate skin underneath his fingers. Finally, being able to enjoy her touch.

“We’ll think of something.” Her thumb draws tiny, soothing circles on the back of his hand.

“Are you sure, Sam?” He implores one last time, needing confirmation that they are willing to risk it together and pursue a relationship.

With a firm squeeze of his fingers, she assures him and slides closer until their knees touch. 

“Ignoring my feelings didn’t help.”

Another inch closer while his attention is drawn to her sparkling eyes.

“Locking them away didn’t help.”

Her upper body angles towards him. His focus shifts to her sensual lips.

“Hiding behind another man didn’t help.”

She scoots so close that their breaths mingle. The intoxicating combination of vanilla, leather, and Samantha clouds his mind. 

“I want you. Always have, always will.”

Repeating his promise of ‘always’, she claims him with confidence. She bridges the remaining gap and presses her soft lips against his, barely perceptible yet insistent enough to resuscitate the buried emotions deep inside her.

She is hyper-aware of her blood pulsating in her ears, blocking out all ambient noise. Her skin tingles under his touch, and her lips burn. The beating of her heart increases and becomes erratic. Her whole being is focused on his all-consuming presence.

When she leans back a fraction to track the emotions on his face, a calmness settles in her chest despite her nerve-endings being set on fire. 

His free hand plays with her hair and tucks a strand behind her ear.

“Have I told you, how damn hot you look in leather,” he teases, as he gives her a slow once-over.

A crimson blush creeps up over her features. She ducks her head in mild embarrassment before she beams at him, bright like the rising sun in the morning.

She lurches forward and kisses him with more passion, relishing in the feeling of his lips sliding against hers.

In the tiny space between their kisses, she finds all the reassurance and faith she needs.

Together, they will make it work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed working on it.


End file.
